Top 10: UTEP

[Letterman]

The SMU football team will close out its season Saturday afternoon at Gerald J. Ford Stadium against the UTEP Miners. UTEP is playing for a chance to win the Conference USA, but rest assured, the Ponies have other plans. Therefore .... From the home office, High on the Hilltop, the Top 10 reasons SMU will beat the UTEP Miners Saturday afternoon:

10. Head coach Mike Price threatens to suspend players every time he hears the SMU public address announcer say "Miners in Possession."
(Note to PonyFans: sorry for re-using a variation of a UTEP line from last year. But if you drink as much as I did on Thanksgiving, it's still kind of funny, in a simplistic, juvenile way)

9. UTEP's traditional pre-game meal of "Old El Paso" tacos leaves Miners with such gas they refuse to huddle before plays, rending all communication non-existent

8. Backup running back Josh Chamois will refuse to go into the game (never mind the fact that he doesn't have a carry this season) after finally seeing videotape of what happened to brother-in-law Napolean McCallum's knee

7. (Consider this the obligatory joke about Mike Price getting distracted by the Dallas .... um .... nightlife)

6. The Miners will battle a team-wide case of depression when they realize that after the game, they still have to go back to El Paso

5. UTEP running back Marcus Thomas, who was on the cheerleading squad at Tolleson HS in Phoenix, will struggle to run the ball while holding those pom-poms and wearing that pleated skirt

4. Miners' quarterback adds to his interception total; lands commercial contract for signature model of "Err Jordan" shoes

3. SMU's Robert "Happy" Gilmore reprises his movie role, informing the UTEP coach that "the Price is wrong, bitc-"

2. Wide receiver Johnnie Lee Higgins has his confidence destroyed when he learns that his nickname, "The Real Deal," was earned at offseason poker games, not because of football ability

And the #1 reason SMU will beat the UTEP Miners Saturday afternoon at Gerald J. Ford Stadium:

1. UTEP linebacker Thomas Howard will miss the game because he just can't miss a concert by his cousin, Terry Ellis, who's a member of the band En Vogue (whatever that is)

[PonyPride]

I can't believe you went with #9!

And don't tell us you're not an En Vogue fan. We know better.

[MrMustang1965]

Thank you, Letterman! You've been missed several times this year. BTW, I hope you give Oprah h*ll on Dec. 1st when she appears on your show!

[DallasDiehard]

Welcome back, Letterman! Great stuff, as always.

My favorite: #4 (because I can't stand the "other" Jordan).

Keep 'em coming!

[PonyPride]

.... 4. Miners' quarterback adds to his interception total; lands commercial contract for signature model of "Err Jordan" shoes ....

That's almost frighteningly prophetic, Letterman!
Think the ink's dry on that Nike contract?

[giacfsp]

Looks like Gilmore was right on the money!

[Roach]

2. Wide receiver Johnnie Lee Higgins has his confidence destroyed when he learns that his nickname, "The Real Deal," was earned at offseason poker games, not because of football ability ....

No, he had his confidence destroyed because Jonathan Lindley knocked the living crap out of him.

Did he catch a single pass after that play? I don't think so. That was an unbelievable hit!

[PK]

That hit would have made a great feature spot on Sports Center. From where I was sitting, I was looking right down the path Lindley was on to make the hit. It looked like two trains on a collision course. I can't believe the other guy was able to get up after that. Our guys were playing their hearts out and it showed. Great effort by the whole team.